


From them to you

by hazk



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Letters, Post-Trenzalore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-16 21:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11837169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazk/pseuds/hazk
Summary: An alternative take on why Clara's time with the Doctor came to an end, and just what type of conversations led to the arrangement neither one of them quite believed in even when they first came up with it.--Reupload, written in 2013.





	1. What he left behind...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and what she tried to pick back up.

The Doctor stood by the mirror with a frown on his face as he tried to reason with himself. The years were visible deep in his very being and from the corner of his eye he could see the Daughter who was still sealed in the darkest shadows of the mirror.

That was a reminder of who he was and not just of who he had been. He wasn’t bothered by the fact that he didn’t even care. He never had been.

But, then again… If that had actually been true, he wouldn’t have been standing in front of the mirror in the first place.

 

* * *

 

“Doctor! Why didn’t you call me, I would have come sooner!” Clara called out as she entered the TARDIS. The time machine had been parked near her apartment but Clara would not have even noticed her if she had come home the route she usually took after work.

The fact that the Doctor hadn’t parked the TARDIS directly in Clara’s apartment could mean many things, but she couldn’t help but get excited the moment she saw the Police Box: it wouldn’t be the first time the Doctor tried to surprise her with some new adventure, or a possible enemy that he didn’t wish to lead straight inside her apartment.

Clara laughed at the thought since, if the latter option actually had been the case, it would have been very thoughtful of him. The Doctor rarely was as considerate.

He had already lead his fair share of aliens right back at her place time and time again, and the latest encounter had not been too long ago. Clara hadn’t taken in the damage too well and she hoped the Doctor had learned his lesson from that - no more surprise visits with extra guests, thank you very much.

“Hello! You in here?” Clara looked around the control room but saw no sign of the Doctor. Of course the TARDIS was filled with other rooms and nooks in which he could be at, but it was actually pretty impressive how rarely you could sneak up on him when you entered the ship.

The Doctor was always waiting for you as if he knew the exact moment you were to enter. Which was very likely, she supposed.

“…Doctor?”

Clara patted the control panel and the TARDIS hummed quietly as a greeting. Clara smiled as she ran her hands on the railing. “Can you tell me where he is?”

The TARDIS creaked and it was an unusual sound, almost as if made in surprise. Clara wondered if the ship was informing the Doctor of her arrival.

Clara sat down on one of the seats and chose to begin grading some of her students’ homework that she had brought along with her. She enjoyed doing her work on board the TARDIS when nothing dangerous was happening.

The environment here was both calming and innovative, and the TARDIS could also helpful whenever she wanted to be. Clara always felt like she could finish her work a lot faster inside the time machine than outside of it which, again, would make sense.

Usually Clara would go and find a room somewhere deep within the ship so that the Doctor couldn’t bother her work, but now that he was gone to begin with she had the whole console room to herself. She was glad as she found the main area to be the most comfortable - and safe.

You never knew what you could find when wandering around the ship.

 

* * *

 

The Doctor tapped his finger against his knees as he sat down on the creaky old chair. In front of him, there was a pile of books that had already seen their better days a long time back.

The Doctor let out a heavy sigh and tried not to jump up from his seat. He knew that if he'd get up for no good reason even for a second, he’d most likely run straight back to the control room for a trip to some far away planet, to forget all about what he was supposed to be doing down here in the first place.

He didn’t want to touch these books - anything would have been better than this, but he still managed to hold his ground and pick up the first one for him to go through.

The Doctor sighed again. All of these books were written in Circular Gallifreyan and because of that the text wasn’t as fast to read as, for example, human languages were.

No matter what, this study would be taking its time.

As if it wasn't difficult enough to begin with.

The Doctor could only hope he wasn’t going to find what he was looking for. He was scared of success after having waited forever before finally taking on this task. He didn’t want to be right about this only to be left with impossible decisions to make: not again.

Or rather, not just yet.

But the Doctor wasn't a complete idiot, he knew more than well that even the worst of choices needed to be made at some point and there was no changing that. Willingly waiting for too long only made the consequences even more painful than they had to be.

 

* * *

 

The TARDIS creaked again, a little louder this time.

Clara looked up from her papers and glanced at the console questioningly. She stood up and went to check the screens, but found nothing she could make any sense of, unable to come up with a reason for the ship to be making the noises she did.

By now, Clara was used to the way the TARDIS sounded and she could comfortably say that this type of creaking she had never heard from her before.

“Are you trying to tell me something?”

Another creak, just this time it didn’t come from the console but from the hallway opposite of her. Clara looked around, to see if she had simply missed something obvious, but when nothing was to be found she shrugged and followed the sound towards the doorway.

The now gentler beeping led Clara forward, but she didn’t feel worried with the TARDIS guiding her.

There were no flashing lights or fire - it couldn’t be too serious, whatever it was the TARDIS wanted her to see.

 

* * *

 

The Doctor yawned as he finished reading the sixth book for the day. Slowly, he rose from his chair and moved to the other side of the room to pick up another one. All over the room he had locked himself in, were tables and seats filled with every single Gallifrey-related book he had been able to find and carry over before getting started with his project.

There were a lot of them and the Doctor needed to go through them all. The sooner he got it done, the better.

The Doctor lifted up a new pile of books from one of the tables, annoyed by the fact that he hadn’t arranged everything in chronological order or in some other suitable way to begin with, and turned back towards his chair.

He planned to finish at least another set of three to six books before taking a break. There wasn’t going to be any travelling for now, not until he was all done with his project.

Just to make sure he wasn’t going to leave the study unfinished for, say, a few more centuries.

 

* * *

 

Clara stood by the door and her voice squeaked as she spoke up in confusion:

“D-Doctor?”

The Doctor spun around with his eyes wide and Clara was taken aback by the look of him. But it wasn’t the shock on his face that was the cause of it: Clara's eyes were focused on his neck and her eyebrows furrowed in confusion from the sight.

The Doctor almost dropped the books he had been carrying when his arms almost flung up to cover what Clara was clearly staring at. He seemed to barely manage to hold himself back for long enough to place the books on the nearby table before he made his move.

Quickly, the Doctor untied the crooked bow tie that had been loosely tied around his neck and threw it on one of the tables without thinking twice about it while Clara simply stood by the door and didn’t move a muscle.

Before she could even think about actually opening her mouth to say something, the Doctor broke the silence by almost hissing at her:

“Don’t even ask.”

Hearing that, Clara slowly opened her mouth, still in shock. Smoothly, the Doctor pressed a finger against his lips, appearing uncertain of what else he could do. In the following silence, he picked up the books again and turned around, an act of calm overtaking him.

Clara took a step forward, unwilling to let the Doctor escape the situation that easily.

“You were wearing a bow tie… And that one." The one she had watched fall not that long ago at all.

It wasn’t a question, only a fact stated out loud. Clara was feeling conflicted and the Doctor had turned his face so that she wouldn’t be able to try and read him. As she stood there, watching him, he disappeared behind the books and sat down by his desk.

“It didn’t really suit you”, Clara blurted out; all she knew was that she had to keep talking.

The Doctor huffed. He opened the first book and, before Clara had a chance to say anything more without thinking on the words she needed to use, his eyes widened.

The Doctor scrambled back on his feet, pointing at Clara's equally shocked face.

“How did you even get in here?!” He appeared very distraught by the belated realisation her presence alone was supposed to be impossible.

Clara’s confused frown deepened even further. “You parked right by my place, did you really think I wouldn’t just come in…?”

“But I didn’t land anywhere, I stayed in the vortex to make sure nothing would -“

The Doctor stopped mid-sentence and slumped right back down on his seat. He rubbed his palms over his face.

“Right… The TARDIS led you here…”

“…She would only go that far if you were up to something”, Clara realised and began walking around the room. She checked the books, trying to make some sense to what she was seeing - she needed to know what the Doctor was doing.

There weren’t any pictures in the books to give her an idea of what they were about, but the piles were high enough to hide her fully behind them. Whatever he was looking for, it clearly was important to the Doctor. But, Clara noted, he also looked stressed, old and broken while sitting alone in the middle of this small room.

Thinking it through, and simultaneously calming herself down, Clara was glad for the cover of the books that allowed her to hide some of her own emotions from the Doctor. 

“It really is none of your business what I do when you are not around.”

Clara laughed at hearing the Doctor's words. “That could be true if it worked both ways…”

The Doctor scoffed, trying his best to not talk too much and reveal something he didn't want her to know. Still, staying quiet went against his very nature.

“Plus, the TARDIS wouldn’t have brought me here if this doesn’t have at least something to do with me… So, your argument is invalid”, Clara said as calmly as she could, taking a deep breath before walking around the books and towards the Doctor. With her, she carried a lone stool she had picked up from the corner of the room, which she placed in front of his desk - it made him unable to completely ignore her presence.

“Why did you throw that bow tie away the moment you saw me?”

This time it was a question and she needed to have it answered.

The Doctor bit his bottom lip as he tapped his fingers on the back of his book, pretending to be fully focused on the text. Clara didn’t look directly at him, simply picking up one of the books to go through on her own while leaving him with more time to think on his inevitable answer.

She wished she could understand what the book was actually about.

 

* * *

 

For once, the Doctor wanted to be absolutely certain of what he’d say next. He knew he couldn't get out of the situation by lying and, in a way, Clara was right. This was about her, too.

She deserved an answer, but he simply wasn't sure if he could find it in him to give her one she could accept.

“I was trying it out. I haven’t felt comfortable with neck-wear for some time now, not counting a few special occasions.”

Clara glanced up at him briefly. “That didn’t answer my question.”

“I knew you would find it odd, I panicked?”

Clara lowered her head slightly, hiding her eyes from him, and turned the page. “It wouldn’t have been _that odd_ if you hadn’t reacted as drastically as you did. You didn’t even realise I wasn’t supposed to be here…”

The Doctor could see the emotions shift on her face even with her trying to hide it from him. He could tell how badly she tried to pretend the moment of shock and confusion they had shared wasn't bothering her too much and it annoyed him to see that. He shook his head.

“It’s odd, Clara, even to me, to wear something that doesn’t exactly belong to me anymore. I wanted to try it out. And I felt like it fit the mood”, the Doctor stated in all honesty, knowing that he couldn’t circle around the subject forever. He had to say something. “It’s weirder still when I can’t even tie it on properly, although I can clearly remember doing just that a thousand times over not that long ago. But those weren't my hands that used to tie the knots.”

That was all Clara needed to hear on the tie, it seemed, smiling at him thankfully as he turned to look away.

 

* * *

 

Clara could tell how uncomfortable the Doctor was and forcing him to talk while she didn’t yet understand what had brought this up in the first place wasn’t doing either of them any good.

“What are you doing down here? Without the TARDIS’ help, I would have gotten lost for sure - if you really thought you were inside the vortex, why would you have holed yourself all the way down here?”

The Doctor was thankful for the slight change in subject, although this was also something he wasn’t too happy to discuss.

“I thought this place was the most appropriate for doing something like… this. Reading ancient and dusty books in a room long forgotten, it does feel like the right way to go about it, don’t you think?”

“But you must be going through these hundreds of books for a _reason_.”

The Doctor thought about it for a second or two and then concluded that Clara truly was the only person he could tell the reason why he was doing this. She was the only one around who could come anywhere close to understanding him, after all, since she already knew the basic behind his worries more than well.

“Very well", the Doctor said and his shoulders slouched a little. "I have a theory that somewhere, in the long history of Gallifrey, written deep within their legacy and prophesies, there will be a clue to the planet’s whereabouts after the War. Even with the Crack in Time having closed."

"An ancient race of time travelers… They must have known more about their future fall, hidden away, even if they denied the possibility entirely - a lot like I denied my own death, full well knowing I had long since ran out of regenerations. Sometimes, and not exactly for the better, it is easier to pretend you are undefeatable. Especially to a proud race such as the Time Lords were", the Doctor continued and then frowned at his choice of words. "Are.”

Clara’s eyes widened as she understood the implication, lowering the book in her hands. “You think you will be able to find them again by doing this.”

“Maybe. But I am not sure if I want to”, the Doctor said and coughed, trying to lessen the impact of his words in his own ears, having not admitted it out loud before. “I have had a long time to think about that, too.”

“Why wouldn’t you -?“

“Clara, if only you remembered everything you witnessed in my timeline… But I am glad you don’t - it’s better this way, trust me. You don’t need to know what they were like and what they did during the last days of the Time War… If they haven’t changed, which is more than likely, bringing them back could be more than disastrous. The number of races all over the universe who’d be willing to start the War anew the second they hear the name Gallifrey is enormous - you witnessed that in Trenzalore, with them attempting to stop it from ever happening. You should understand.”

“I do”, Clara said, serious after a short pause, and then corrected herself immediately: “No, NO! I can’t say I do, can I? I never can. All there is for me to do is help you out with a fresh view and that’s why I need to know… Do you really think they don't deserve a chance?”

The Doctor looked at Clara, focusing on her every word and the strength in her voice as he remained quiet - and she looked straight back at him without letting her gaze falter.

As it became clear that the Doctor wouldn’t be answering her, she continued: “I know that's not my choice to make, I’m just saying that it shouldn't be yours either. That’s why you’re doing this, right?” She looked around and took in the many books in the almost suffocating room.

The Doctor followed her gaze and nodded slowly, leaning back in his seat and staring at the ceiling.

“He just went with the flow, his choice or not… And, even while he had been blinded by his own mortality and clinging on to everything and everyone in a childlike manner, in the end - after a lifetime of denial - he still accepted his faith.” The Doctor sighed. “He didn’t dream of the possibility of me taking his place. He was done. Trenzalore was supposed to be the end.”

Clara’s head spun back and she stared at the Doctor in shock. His words were cryptic enough, but she could still understand exactly what he meant. Her breath hitched.

They hadn’t discussed any of this after the regeneration. The Doctor wasn’t one to talk about anything too personal, not to her or to anyone else. Not as far as she knew.

“While I was in Trenzalore… Even when given a chance to run away, I didn’t take it. And while it might seem like an obvious call, with the lives on the line, it really wasn't.

"Can you imagine what it’s like, Clara, to live hundreds over hundreds of years stuck in a small town such as that? For someone like me? The attacks of the Daleks and the Cybermen and everyone else came rarely, and the people living there knew how to enjoy their solitude for as many years as there were in between. They knew they were being protected, they didn’t need to know just how grieve of a situation they were in, and generation by generation they became used to it… Even I, at times, was able to enjoy being stuck in a place I knew was going to be where I'd meet my end. It was…”

The Doctor smiled as he memorised the eternal Christmas he had spent with those people.

"In a way, it was still a choice. And through it… I didn't really give up on Gallifrey, even if I had no intention of letting them out. Every moment of every day, I heard the whispers of the Time Lords through the Crack and I thought; _‘this is the closest to home I’m ever going to get’_. And I accepted it, as my end, if only to protect that small village that had taken me in.”

“…But you tried to find a way to end it, even if you knew about, well, your grave. Didn't you?” Clara carefully asked and the Doctor hummed under his breath.

“Of course I did, in the beginning at least when I still had the strength. My biggest fear for so long had been getting stuck somewhere, losing my hold on the whole of time and space and be left thinking. To wither away. When it eventually happened, my own thoughts were immediately there and killing me, but even then I somehow managed to find solitude on that 'field of battle'. But that’s exactly the problem, Clara… It wasn’t enough.

"By the end, I took the first chance to leave - alive and well. I didn’t even dare to truly check what happened to Trenzalore after that, with the Daleks dealt with, as my feelings towards the place shifted back in to something akin to _fear_. I guess that says a lot about me, compared to him”, the Doctor huffed and blinked heavily, getting rid of the snowy image of the last sunrise he had witnessed with her against the open skies of Trenzalore.

Slowly, he turned his eyes back to Clara.

“You see? When you came back with the TARDIS, I… He thought about running but it was not an option, even for someone like me. I wanted to finish my duty, needed to do so, not for Gallifrey but for the people of Trenzalore who were in the middle of it all because of us. But the moment I was given a new life, a new cycle, the moment I became, well, _me_ \- I ran again. Sure, they were supposedly safe, but I didn't even… say anything.

"Maybe I was a bit out of it at first, but that’s no excuse for my actions. I went right back to denial. I had a new life and it mattered more to me than what I had been protecting. The War, the skirmish, was over in my eyes and I immediately chose to leave, no explanations needed. But I remember those years and I wonder if they have even made a difference.

"And that's why I am doing this: I know I need to see what will happen next. The Time War hasn't ended yet, Trenzalore showed the universe, it was only postponed. And if there are answers to be found here", the Doctor said and gestured at the books, "the longer I wait to find them and deny the reality of it all, the worse the conclusions will get.”

The Doctor fell silent and Clara didn’t feel like asking any more questions after his long speech, so much given to her to take in at once. She didn’t question what had caused the Doctor to open up the way he had - and as suddenly as this - or what he’d think about it a few moments later, but she knew that all she needed to do for now was to listen.

Not getting a reply but seeing the way she looked at him, the Doctor chose to keep going. There was just a little more left.

“…After Trenzalore, I became even angrier with myself. I am fed up with all of that and, you are right, it is not my choice to make. I just might to be the only one who can give them any.”

The Doctor watched Clara in concentration and waited for any vocal reaction - but all he got were the emotions still flashing within her eyes. He had half expected Clara to back away from him after hearing what he had to say, unable to process his words and deeming it easier to just let it go. But she wasn't someone who'd do that - _she was better than him_.

And although the Doctor hadn’t been too detailed, Clara should be able to pick up what he had wanted her to understand from his recollection.

There was one more thing he needed to ask her.

“Clara, if I died or something else was to happen to me, would you wish for me to turn back?”

It took Clara a moment to catch what he meant, turning the speech back to its start, and the moment she did she shook her head. She whispered, not too unlike she had on the day he had last thought himself to have died: “You are you, you are the Doctor, and you always will be.”

They sat there silently, the only other sound than their breathing being the silent humming of the TARDIS who was watching over them.

“I like you more than I liked him, so the answer would have to be a 'No'.”

The Doctor spluttered and Clara began to smile slightly at the utter disbelief taking over the Doctor’s face. She had to be direct with her words to make it clear that she was serious, although she had grown to hate treating the "current and past Doctors" as separate people. Whatever lessons he had learned from the many mistakes and victories of the man he had once been were the Doctor's to carry as a part of himself, Clara felt.

“Do you get what I’m saying, Doctor?” 

The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck and tried to return back to his nonchalant attitude, but it was a little too late for that. “What I don’t get is why you even would like _me_ all that much, now or then. I am not too… likeable.” He was getting his words tangled up and he wasn't a fan.

“You are overthinking it!" Clara chuckled. "The reason I like you are the memories of what we have been through together, not how you look like or how you might act. Now, we are on more equal grounds with me being just me and you being just you. We are both mysteries, just like every other living being is - nothing more needed. And while you have changed me for the better, you yourself have changed as well… We have hurt each other and we've learned from our mistakes… Like people are meant to do."

"It is thanks to that we can be here today and try to do better, like you are doing now, with all of this", Clara continued and took her turn to gesture at the many books they were surrounded by. "I have grown to love you more through it all and I would never want you to go back to the way you were instead of being who you are: I don't want to forget any of this either, not again. All I want… is to be able to be here, with you, as someone you can trust."

Clara smiled, nodding her head to make her stance as clear as she could when she concluded by saying:

"Everyone changes, and I will change along with you. And this, all of this? I will help you! Whatever happens with Gallifrey, as long as I'm here, I will try my best to help you just like you always try to help me! We are friends, after all.”

Clara laughed and the Doctor, looking slightly uncomfortable at the change, also managed a crooked smile.

The only thing he could come up with to say was:

“You have never made any sense to me, Clara Oswald.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has my thoughts on who the Doctor really is and his relationship with Clara, with the impact of Trenzalore added in the mix (as I imagined it before Series 8 came out). I didn’t know what would happen and what Twelve is actually like, I just wanted to think through some possibilities for how he dealt with the change and what Clara chooses in the aftermath. Some light editing was made for this reupload.


	2. His selfish dreams of running...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and her highest hopes of stopping him.

“And that’s why I need you to tell me, straight to my face, when you want me to leave you be! I am selfish that way, Clara. Even if I know how much danger I continuously put you in - and in how much danger you always will be, for as long as you are here - I still make the same, worst kind of decisions again and again… I am no better at them now than I was before, and I don’t deserve your sympathy“, the Doctor said and it was obvious how deeply he had been affected by the day's events as he fumed at her.

Clara didn't take a step back, also finding herself to quickly be filled with anger.

“I have never deserved you to forgive me for anything!” the Doctor finally exclaimed as she didn't say anything to challenge him with, and Clara’s eyes widened ever so slightly as she watched him slump back against the railing, a scowl frozen on his face.

Clara shook her head, not sure what was the right thing to she say or do next, but there was only one fact she could think of which she wanted, needed, to get out in the open.

“I don’t want you out of my life”, Clara finally stated, not lowering her gaze as the Doctor stilled, slowly looking up at her with a cringe of a smile now on his face. His eyes were filled with anger that she knew to be directed at his own way, not hers, when he let out a heavy sigh.

“That’s what you say now, but things change - there’s still time for that to happen, Clara… Anything could go wrong, it already has on so many occasions, and you might soon end up hoping that I had never become a part of your life to begin with.”

Clara’s eyebrow twitched and she tried to calm herself back down; the Doctor could just stop talking entirely if she didn't manage to do so. And that would get none of their issues solved.

“I… I know that. I could die any day or, or get stuck somewhere again and never be able to come back home! I’m not a fool and I know it’s not all sunshine and rainbows out there. It never has been”, Clara then said and shook her head again, not in shock or denial but in acceptance. She meant what she was saying and she had thought about it a lot, lately even more so for obvious reasons.

The Doctor had a point and it was no use trying to cover it up when they both knew better.

With her eyes glued on to the Doctor's, Clara hardly dared to blink as she felt like he’d disappear the moment she did. That had always been the risk with him.

She was certain that even the Doctor himself wasn’t in control of his own his tendency to flee, and now, thinking back on it, Clara wondered if he would ever be able to accept that side of himself - if he would ever be able to forgive himself and stop in his everlasting escape.

“A lot has changed since we first met, and I know I can’t stay with you forever. I am not planning to, either. But what I don’t want is for you to just disappear one day, or be gone the way you tried to leave me behind back when you stayed in Trenzalore… I am not going to, ever, tell you to disappear from my life.”

Clara took a deep breath and she watched the Doctor’s gaze get lost somewhere far beyond the room, unseeing. She had to keep going.

“I know that I need to step out of the TARDIS one day and never come back in again. Otherwise, I would just take the first chance there is to keep travelling with you but I can't do that now. Sure, life is dangerous, both travelling with you and staying at home is, in its own way, but I need to think of other people as well.”

The Doctor opened his mouth to say something and this time it was Clara who stopped him before he could. She knew that any word he might try to speak right then would be hurtful, but not to her.

“Didn’t I tell you before how thankful I am to you? Without you, I wouldn’t have ever been brave enough to be who I now am. I have grown.

"Thanks to you, I was finally able face the death of my mum, get a permanent job to use my degree on… I managed to get my own apartment, too, and even that was something I had never been able to do before. I used to be scared of stopping… But you helped me fulfill my mother's dream, and mine as well, to travel around the world, _the universe!_ Otherwise,I would have never even talked to Danny and, even now, I am trying to fix my relationship with my dad and the rest of my family, and… I-I’ve gained so much and you are included in all that, Doctor. I can’t lose you either.”

The Doctor’s eyes finally took focus again and he looked at Clara. This time it was his turn to really, truly, look at her. He thought back and wondered if he ever actually had, before.

Clara recognised the expression, smiling sadly at the deep frown forming on his face. No matter what she said, no matter how she might get him talking, they really didn’t know each other too well even after all these years. The equal grounds Clara had once spoken of were still far from their reach.

The Doctor tilted his head, doing what he could to not give up and lose the connection they had on this very moment.

“I am going to leave, not now, but some day”, Clara continued slowly, as carefully as she could. “And when I do, I want to make sure you are not left all alone.” She chose to use honest words since only those the Doctor might accept and be willing to understand. He had to.

She needed him to.

The Doctor scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. He turned to stare up at the ceiling and glanced back at Clara a few times to make sure she wouldn’t be disappearing either - not yet, not today.

He hadn’t been left wordless though, as he knew what the only possible way to bring the matter to a conclusion, for now, was.

“…On that one day, then, just tell me what you want me to do and I will try my best. But there are no promises. I don’t work well with those”, the Doctor said absently, trying to avoid writing anything on stone.

Clara did accept that, but she was going to do what she could so that the Doctor would listen to her when the time came.

“You better try your best, then, or I will never forgive you the way I normally do.”

Clara had meant for her words to hurt, even with the small smile on her face as she said them. She knew it wasn't a kind thing to say, maybe not the right thing either, but the Doctor’s self-hatred had ended up being one of the only aspects she had been able to cling on to whenever she needed to make sure he heard her. In turn, she hated herself for having to do just that.

But, as usual, the Doctor simply smiled once he heard her words, giving her a nod.

It hurt, of course it did, but he didn’t mind as long as they both knew as much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason why I wrote this fic: before Series 8, I really did think Clara would be one of those few New Series companions to leave the Doctor because she wants to take the chance to actually live her life on Earth - she had worked hard to fix things, building up her life… Obviously, the very opposite ended up happening and I am not complaining!


	3. Letters from him...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and no answers from her.

**14.3.2019**

 

 ~~Hello,~~ ~~Cla~~

~~  
I am sor~~

 

It has been a while, hasn’t it?  ~~I hope you weren't~~  I hope you were waiting to hear from me.

You probably thought I would never write, especially with how much time has already passed…

But here we are, and you better have known who the letter was from the moment you saw it. You couldn't have forgotten about me this soon - or am I too late already? I am well aware that this letter is… well. Abit late.

At least, I have tried my best to send this to the correct address - and at the correct time, as well - so it did take some time to make sure I got it all right. Just to be absolutely certain. You know me, I could have easily messed it up otherwise.

You are the one who moves around too much, I couldn't possibly keep up.

 

And I know…

That was as bad of an excuse as any. I should stop coming up with those, but.

You know me, you already know how I really should just stop doing all too many things. There should be no need for me to keep repeating that, yet I must: that's why I am doing all this, after all.

This is what you wanted me to do.

Instead of just using my words, you wanted to see me act on it. To do better.

To not disappear.

 

How are you? Living your life happily and day by day, I hope.  ~~I don’t mean to sound rude but I have tried all that before and it certainly isn't all that~~

Right. I don’t want to repeat myself. And it’s not like you can answer, anyway.

~~Sometimes I wish~~

 

I am doing fine, as always. Just visited a planet I had never even heard of before, and those are rare. It was rather empty of life but still a beautiful sight in its own right, what with it being something new to see and all that… A tad bit boring as well, but it’s not like I could spend every day in excitement and danger.

Hah. You know the gist of it, I shouldn’t bore you with all the details.

 

What else could I tell you…

I wrote this letter to you so I guess that should be proof enough that I truly am trying my best to follow your advice and your highest hopes? It better be since this is all the proof you are going to get with the way we are now.

Well… I think that's all I have to say, for the time being. I will write again, when I get the chance. There's a lot to do, not a dull day exists.

I hope it’s the same for you ~~, although I also hope you and~~

Take care, Clara.

 

* * *

 

**2.10.2019**

 

Just a quick note this time around, I am only passing by and thought I should drop this off while I have the chance.

I hope you are safe; you must have heard all the commotion back at the city center. Maybe you even came by, but in that case I must have missed you.

Well, then again.

That was the plan, wasn’t it?

And no, I am not angry at you about it, I understand. Just don’t be angry with yourself, either, because you are at the one who was right.  ~~Or maybe you are only angry at me.~~ ~~I know… I know I am already too late. I know this isn't what you meant.~~

~~You knew this would happen, didn't you?~~

 

Sorry, sorry - I don’t have a clue what I am talking about.

It’s just confusing when I don’t know what you might say (or think) if you were to  ~~hear read~~ read my ramblings like this. I really never came to understand you too well, it would seem. I am a mess like that, but you were right about that one, too: sometimes, it’s better to not know everything through and through.

But I really do enjoy the mystery of it all, the mystery of you and me and the universe. It's a good thing as I would be at a loss without that last one. 

Everything is fine on my end, I have found some new people to show the said universe to and I am trying my best to, well, to be my best. I hope your year has also gone well - I am thinking about sending you a Christmas present this time around. Nothing too fancy, of course; I already have something in mind that I believe you will like.

 

* * *

 

**4.1.2020**

 

A little late, but:

I wish you had a great Christmas and here’s your present! ~~as promised~~

I hope you like it, and best of luck for the year to come!

 

* * *

 

**~~6.4.2020~~ **

 

~~Did you see the smo~~

 

* * *

 

**~~22.12.2020~~ **

 

~~Merry Ch~~

 

* * *

 

**~~1.1.2021~~ **

 

* * *

 

 

**5.7.2021**

 

There can only be so many excuses, what with me having a time machine  ~~and all that~~ , but I could always ramble on and on about paradoxes and timelines that are not to be crossed (it’s actually been a while since the last slip up, you would probably be proud to hear).

That wouldn’t work with you so I can just honestly admit that I have found absolutely nothing I could to say to you. ~~I did get you a present last year so at least that was something.~~

I am not going to tell you how long, but time certainly has passed for me since we used to still travel together.

For me, it’s been far more than the few years that have gone by for you but, again, I am not trying to dismiss your life and its importance at all. The days you have lived, they are important - far more so than most of the years I have spent doing absolutely nothing at all  ~~in between everything that I have messed up.~~

 

Some people I travelled with for a while have just left and no one has stayed for longer than a few trips since you. I think the universe was too much for all of them to handle.

Either that or I was. Could very well be the latter option, I have been told that I have become rather annoying the older I get.

Even I know that I have some all-new issues bothering me at the moment. Maybe it’s best to lie low for a while longer to clear my head - best for the people I might possibly meet up in the future more so than it is for me. But it should also be a good thing to take a break to clear my thoughts. And I do think writing these letters ~~to you~~ helps with that.

I will manage, and I won’t be staying alone for long. I know that is, what you would call, _bad for me;_  you and the others have made it perfectly clear by now.

 

I really shouldn’t talk about myself when you are the one with truly huge things happening in your life. 

Congratulations! These kids won’t have a chance against your love and discipline - I have experienced it, after all, so you can trust my word.

 

* * *

 

**28.12.2021**

 

Merry Christmas and happy New Year to the  ~~three~~  two of you!

 

* * *

 

**3.7.2022**

 

I tried to come up with something to say that you would be the most likely to ask about if you had the chance. In doing so, I realised that there is this one thing you might have been waiting to hear some news on since the start.

And that something is Gallifrey, of course.

The answer to any questions regarding it wouldn’t be too interesting, though, as I have found no new information on the planets location. I am beginning to feel like I never might, but there is still plenty of time and space for me roam through as I wait for a breakthrough.

But you were right; I keep trying because it’s not really my choice to not to do so. They deserve the chance, and I will just have try to make it as safe as possible for them to come back if, or when, it happens. For everyone involved.

I didn’t end the Time War as drastically as I did only to restart it all over again whenever I please.

And I will let you know if I ever find out something highly important regarding the Time Lords.  ~~You deserve that much and more.~~

 

* * *

 

**4.2.2023**

 

 ~~You know, there~~  

~~Have I ever told you about~~

 

~~There was~~

 

I don’t really know how to ask this of you but, since I have had a long time to think of your words, I thought I might just as well try and spit it out.

I had this friend once - a human - who I had to leave behind. The circumstances were complicated and not something I can explain over a letter like this (or even words alone, I don't think), but the basis is that she forgot me.

Or rather, I made her forget…

It’s not like I had a choice on the matter when remembering either me, everything we had done together or all those remarkable things she had seen and done on her own would have burned her mind and killed her.

It's complicated but…

The point is, she forgot and went back to her old life, found a job and a good husband. I helped a little to get their lives together properly started and I would like to believe they  ~~were~~ are happy.

But I never could go and take a look to see if that was true.

Like I said, I remembered what we talked about all that time ago and I thought; what am I so scared of?

~~We both know what the answer is, of course, maybe, but~~

 

You would like her.

Her name is Donna Noble

What I am asking for is if you could go and see if she’s doing well?

I know, I know…

There’s no way for you to tell me if she is, or for me to know if you actually went to meet her, but even just the idea of you checking up on her would make me feel so much better. And the thing is that she really doesn’t remember, so, meeting her wouldn’t exactly endanger our agreement, would it? She's just like any other human out there now, ~~I hope.~~

I will try to go and take a look, too, someday soon. That is the lesson you have taught me and I truly am trying to follow it. And there really are many people I should go and see, although I do not wish for them to recognise me. A long time has passed, for me and for them, so there should be no fear of that.

They have moved on and so should I, I don't want to mess up their lives any further. They deserve better than that.

That's the point.

 

 ~~I will write again soon, but~~ I wish you would at least consider meeting her. You would really like Donna and her family, I just know it.

The distance from your place is relatively short, I think, but what do I know about that? I seem to lack the needed perspective.

 

* * *

 

**~~6.2.2023~~ **

 

~~I guess I should begin by apolog~~

 

* * *

  

**5.4.2023**

 

Hello, Clara.

I feel like I am running out of words to use, even before getting started. It's actually pretty embarrassing, I must admit.

I should be the one with all the words in the universe, after all.

 

Here’s the cliché to start us off right: I am fine, as I always am. I hope you are too. ~~And I am not trying to ruin your mood, I really am not.~~

 ~~Don’t feel bad for me.~~ The fact that I am writing is proof enough that I am doing well, or better, even with all the time it has taken.

I seem to have been trying to cut ~~you fully out of my~~ myself fully out of your life. A bit of a weird thing to do when we are already less than pointless letters, but still…

I hope you haven’t been waiting to be contacted by me for a while now ~~, what with the years I have left you to~~  I am a bit… confused, not knowing if I should. Since I have nothing much to say either way, and all I do is keep you waiting, wouldn’t it be better for the both of us if I just didn't do this? ~~and stopped trying?~~

But since you can’t tell me what you think, and I really am no good at imagining what you might want to say, ~~I wasn't lying when I said I don't know you, I realise know,~~ I suppose…

Our deal was that I would have to keep in touch for as long as I am me and you are you. Which stands for a lifetime.

~~I know I am already all too late but I can't stop wanting to show you I~~

Now I have confused myself again.

 

Let's just move on.

I have had some new company over - there is a man named Johnny staying onboard as ~~we speak~~ I write. I am almost certain he’s the reason why I am writing more than I usually would. I think I have finally met my match.

Shocking, I know!

Johnny usually has more to say than I do of everything and anything we witness, although his ideas, on most occasions, are even more insane than mine and now that’s saying something. I am quite proud of him, to be honest, but

Well, I almost feel like he’s stealing my charm.

~~And that idea brought up some unpleasant memories of a ride I once took, have I ever told you about the~~

I don’t really have much charm left, though, so it doesn’t really matter. It could be worse.

But even he has to leave sooner than later, he has a life of his own back on planet Earth. And that’s good! It’s always great to have something waiting for you.

Adventure on a whole new level, the everyday life! I have tried that as well, and you know it’s not really my thing so instead I will keep travelling and meeting new people at all these new and old corners of the universe. So little time and so many places to see.

 

This turned a bit long, and still not long enough at all - I guess I am not all out of material, after all.

I suppose, to conclude:

I will keep writing, any chance I get. ~~That was the deal.~~

 

~~I will be back.~~

~~You will hear of me.~~

 

* * *

 

**1.12.2023**

 

For once I am sending you your presents early! Remember to hide everything well, you don’t want everyone to find them before the big day arrives - I know  ~~he~~  they will be looking, especially since my presents must be the best.

 

* * *

 

**6.4.2024**

 

What’s so funny about my letters is the fact that I always write the date on the top.

All that date shows is the day you are supposed to receive the letters - and I have calculated it with care - after I was supposed to them off from some different corner of your tiny blue planet when dropping by.  ~~But that’s not at all what~~

 

If you put these letters in the correct order, from the first to latest, there aren’t too many of them and you can see how the dates jump over months and years in your timeline. But in mine it’s different.

You will never know how long it’s truly been for me since we have last met, just how many of these I have scrapped even before getting started, for how long in between there are years I spent trying to come up with something worth saying. For me, the dates and the order means nothing ~~but lies.~~

I guess they can be seen as my way of pointing out just how slowly time passes by _for you_.

And I know that's some passive-aggressive behaviour on my part - after all, so much time truly has passed and I don’t even know if I should keep doing this  ~~to myself~~  to you. My fault, not yours ~~, but then again~~

 

Oh, never mind. ~~I~~ We already went through this, and even if I didn't, you already know. ~~Or I truly hope you do.~~

If you don’t…  I suppose then there would be absolutely nothing funny about any of this to begin with.

 

* * *

 

**7.8.2027**

 

I did some counting and you are already in you forties, as I am writing this from a corner of London!

Well, of course you already know that but for me it was a surprise, to say the least.

I am not saying you are _old_ , but your age does prove just how long you have had time to build your life. Now you are at the perfect age, for a human being; you have gained so much already but you are also fully capable and free to pursue whatever it is you might wish for next.

Both freedom and responsibilities in a handy package, not something I have ever quite been able to find. And that is why, truth be told, I am so, very PROUD of you!

… As well as so very sorry for forgetting to buy you any birthday presents until now.

At least my Christmas presents were excellent - if I might say so myself.

But this year I got you something I am sure you will love.

 

I wonder who the kids think my gifts are actually from. Well, at Christmas, Santa is the obvious answer. ~~I wonder if you realised that I was the one~~

 

Anyway. Congratulations!

 

* * *

 

**29.12.2030**

 

Best wishes for the years to come, Clara.

 

* * *

 

**~~5.3.2034~~ **

 

~~With all these years behind us, I need to admit something to~~

 

* * *

 

**~~7.8.2035~~ **

 

~~How should I~~

 

* * *

  

**27.4.2048**

 

I am sorry.

~~If only I could tell that to you, face to face.~~

 

_WHO AM I KIDDING!?_

I have the TARDIS and I have the words you said to me, I could easily come see you and let you reach me and I could tell you how sorry I truly am, there are so many things I could do and maybe, just maybe, _it could still mean something if I tried._

Maybe it could make a  _difference._

 

But I won’t. I won't do a thing.

Sadly, you knew me too well from the start. Otherwise you wouldn't have tried as hard as you did, spelling it out for me. And even then, I still managed to mangle your words to be the way easiest to take and, even with that, I didn't actually follow them.

I am so sorry about everything.

You shouldn’t have ever defended me - I didn’t deserve any of it

You knew me but you had too much hope, too much faith, in me to let me go.

And I let you down instead.

 

~~You were too good for me, just like all the others, and I just could not be the way~~

 

I am only writing any of this for myself. To pretend, again and again, that I could take that one step it takes to face you.

All I can do is pretend,  _pretend,_  that I could follow your advice and your highest hopes.

You must have stopped waiting for me a long time ago ~~, I certainly hope you did because otherwise I can't even imagine the way you must be~~

 

A long time has passed and maybe you have already moved on? Maybe you wish for me to do the same? I could never tell without coming to meet you and that is a terrifying thought on its own.

So, the only other way for me to do that would be to stop writing. These letter I am never going to be able to send, I would have to let them go.

I would have to stop trying.

 

And I don't want to do that. I really don't.

 

You must have  ~~known that there was a possibility this would happen, at least I hope you did. I hope you didn’t wai~~  been prepared for this since the start. But if you were, would that mean you are still patiently waiting for my return?

It's a terrifying thing, Clara, to think you might still be able to forgive me.

I don't want that, either.

 

* * *

 

**~~7.6.2056~~ **

 

~~I need to~~

 

* * *

 

**~~6.4.2060~~ **

 

~~I finally understood what lesson you~~

 

* * *

 

**~~4.4.2062~~ **

 

~~I hope you don't~~

 

* * *

 

**~~5.4.2062~~ **

 

~~I know I am already too late but I~~

 

* * *

 

**23.11.2063**

 

Thank you for everything, Clara. 

 


	4. Her memories of space...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and the day they ran.

Throughout her long life, her mind had been repeating the same thoughts over and over again whenever she closed her eyes. These thoughts kept reminding her of what could have been and, no matter how happy and fulfilling her life had otherwise been, the what-ifs were something she couldn't just let go of.

She had been successful in so many things, she had seen herself have a positive impact on the lives around her and, in some smaller and larger ways, she knew for a fact that she had changed the universe.

She had had adventures not many knew of and she truly had been lucky to get where she is now.

But none of that changed the fact that Clara felt like she had failed in at least that one, meaningful way, leaving the Doctor unable to see just how much she appreciated him even now.

 

* * *

 

Had she made the right decision?

Had she done enough?

Was the outcome worse than the gain, even if she had somehow managed to make the right call for one of them?

Should she be able to find it in herself to accept the ending for what it was?

Can this even be considered an ending?

Had she always known this was the way it would end?

Should she have tried to find him again?

She knew she could have, easily enough; just why hadn't she if she couldn't stop thinking about it?

At least she knew for certain that she had been happy, more often than not. But that didn't exactly affect the final - obvious and answered - question always popping on her mind:

Was he - _was she_ \- happy as well, with the way it had ended?

 

* * *

 

Clara could never stop wondering why the Doctor hadn’t contacted her, questioning just what exactly had pretended him from doing so. Or rather, she knew why more than well but she simply wanted to know - she wanted to know so badly - just what the Doctor would have said if he had gone along with her wishes.

And here she was, Clara Oswald, 76 years old and still waiting for the man who must have kept running in the very opposite direction compared to where she was currently standing.

Her life was wearing out and there was no reason for her to keep denying that she missed space, and him; Clara missed her Doctor who had shown her the universe full of impossible, wonderful things and how she, along with every single being, was one of them.

Clara found herself, again and again, hoping that the Doctor had found someone else to travel with, someone to keep him company. She hoped that if he actually had tried to contact her, it was some more "human" mistake that had led to her being unable to hear his words or receive his letters. She didn't want to imagine a universe without him, a place where no one had been there to help him when he must have been all too willing to throw himself in danger for someone else's sake.

The Doctor had to be alive, somewhere out there, living his life.

Clara hoped he wasn’t lonely; she wasn’t either, although she couldn’t help but keep waiting for him to come see her even now. Something just felt amiss without those unbelievable things he could have shown her.

She had half expected to see the TARDIS appear in her living room for days on end, just like old times. Even now, she could easily recall the sounds the ship made whenever she closed her eyes.

Clara had kept dreaming of a blue box, dreaming of the vast space and running. And even with all that in her dreams, she knew she wasn’t angry at the Doctor. She knew he could never forget and did all that hating for himself, there was no need for her to add to it.

She had had a long time to think; he probably had had a lot more than that.

Another question on her mind would have to be, without Clara there to tell him so, if the Doctor had been able to forgive himself even for this all-too simple of an ending they had left themselves with.

But it wasn't one she felt the need to dwell on, full well knowing what the answer was - it was the same as with the anger, and she just had to let go.

 

* * *

 

Clara "Oswin" Oswald, on the day she turned 77 years old, received a letter only five words in length.

Not too long after that, a visitor followed.

 


End file.
